Stranger by the Day

A lot of things have been running through my head lately, the thoughts on possibilities outside work, school, the thought of changing career, of quitting my present job and be a full-time mom, trying my luck in applying for New Zealand like the rest of my friends, plan to run my own business, the dilemma as to where to get the start-up capital, the business plan...my mind would not rest, it keeps on thinking till my head aches. It feels like my work is getting stranger by each passing day, the more I think on quitting, the stranger the job content gets. I'm now 75% sure of submitting my resignation at the end of this month, with or without a new workplace to transfer to. I started texting my network that I'd be out of work come July, a part of me excited about it, another part of me a little afraid to take the risk considering I have at least two legitimate mouths to feed. But if I always think of the latter, then I'd surely be stuck in this hole forever. Last night, I had much more time to wander my thoughts than usual. My second son was feverish I had to carry him all night to sleep. I tried rationalizing the situation, avoiding as much as possible the human factors involved and I realized that this problem started during my first few months in the company, early on I've never been in sync with my boss. We always clashed because her principles really vary 180º from mine and that she truly gets on my nerves eversince. I opted to stay because that time it was the only company giving out ample fringe benefits and admittedly, I only worked to satisfy my physiological needs, in short, it was all about the money at first. Then the following years, I gained some precious good friends, found myself with them, it was really tough to leave. But still the one on top is the ultimate "enemy." We never really get along so well, ours do not go beyond the casual morning greetings, more often than not, we avoid meeting each other's gazes. I didn't mind real much since I am overly confident that I could still discharge my basic functions anyway even without passing through her. Then came the realization stage which happened about two years ago, I had to bend to her way of doing things because whether I like it or not, she's still the boss and I'm just her lowly subordinate. Still the effort did not pay off, I feel it in my gut that she recognizes my initiative and intelligence, but could not give me the slightest trust which is the ultimate thing that matters to her especially because she's a person full of confidential issues. I still do not understand and nor do I have plans of knowing why she is like that to most people not just with me. We were even on the hot seat once because they suspected that our badminton was meant to establish a movement against her or management. Yet my conscience is clear and I meant good eversince day 1. I just could not tolerate manipulation and exploitation and I stand up for the things I believe in. Now the time has come for me to move on and put my intelligence and wit to better use. I could not allow them to under utilize me for one more year just because of that unfounded fear of incapability to provide for my family. I have had enough of this rotten office culture of prejudice and pretension. I want to live my life the way I should regardless of the pay. For now I'm more trusting that someone up there would provide for me and be with me all the way. I hope and pray that this is the right thing to do. I'm now yielding it to the Almighty for I also believe that prayers will be heard one day and God is always good.