A New Perspective

It's been quite a while since I last scribbled some lines on my journal. I was too occupied with lots of things lately. It seems that after attending the Gung Ho seminar, there are suddenly so many things to do that came about out of the blue, goals that I wanted to pursue and obligations that I needed to attend to and personal commitments I have to religiously deal with. I just suddenly felt the dire need to play badminton again, to exercise and to eat a healthy diet. I have to do something about my goal to pursue a master's degree, not just think about it as so far-fetched. It came to me that if I only think about it and not act upon it, I wouldn't be able to do something worthwhile until I reach age 50. I once made it a personal vow to only take up masters once I drive my own car and how would I be able to own a car when all I have is just enough for my family's needs? In just a matter of weeks, my perspective changed and I am determined to go for it, even without the car in tow. Somebody of influence gave me an advice that goes like this, " Empty the coins in your purse into your mind, and your mind will fill your purse with gold!" He added that this thought is for me indeed. Well, makes a lot of sense. After giving it some thought, I submitted a letter of intent to my boss asking her permission to allow me to take up masters and guess what, after three long days of waiting, she gave me a thumbs-up sign. Oh, God is truly amazing! This would mean that I wouldn't need to empty my purse inorder to fill it with gold...
This positive outcome turned out to give me some more positive things to do and to hope for, hence, the law of multiplicity. I grabbed my long-at-rest badminton racket and started playing about two weeks ago, it feels really good to be up and about. The sport not only gave me physical gains but also emotional and spiritual favors. It does not only make me feel good about myself, it also gives me an opportunity to share my life to others and vice-versa, the jokes that we share in between, the coffee-drinking sessions and everything about it that keeps me connected to and with others. That in the middle of crisis, we could still find things to thank God for, to be grateful about. And I've never felt so grateful for the blessings He has given me, my two boys, my ever-loving husband and my family who feels grateful for having me too. One good act could multiply into a hundred good reactions too from all directions.
Thanks to Gung Ho for putting things into perspective for making me see that in my own way, I could still contribute to the betterment of the society and the country, starting out from my very own family, I could make a difference to others' lives, that gradually I could impart to others the goodness within and hopefully make theirs shine for all to see as well. And by going the extra mile, I'd be an example to my children so that they may live a life of service above self. Only if I have a mind of a child could I let new knowledge come in, only if I have an open heart, can I receive and give love more fully, hence my motto is to pack an open mind and an open and passionate heart and be like a child, to ever get excited about life.
I made it my personal conviction to tithe, to say and mean my I love you's to my spouse, to act responsibly and sensibly at work, to come on time everyday (although I never had any time management issues before), to express myself fully, to give love and to receive love in return, to hope for better things to come my way, to be more grateful and to be more passionate about life.
I hope God would guide me to fulfill all these for His greater glory.

Did I Tell Ya

DID I TELL YOU…

I started reading novels at age 11, the very first was The Sweetman Curve, a detective/suspense, crime/thriller/mystery novel by Graham Masterton and I got hooked to loads and loads of Mills and Boon novels from my neighbors after that; the kerosene lamp burned up my hair because I could not put down the book and we still had no electricity back then.

I tried to grow flowering and ornamental plants like my elder brother only to find out that even with consistent watering and cultivation, they still wilted, dried up and died. But now I successfully grew a “fortune plant” contained inside a porcelain cup given to me as birthday present by my Godmother in September 2004; I’m proud that it has grown new stems and healthy green leaves, now towering over my figurine collection on top of my desk.

I am specially attached to my mother and each time we talk, I usually do most of the talking until the wee hours of the morning and whenever I cry, she also cries with me, never says much and calms me down by her reassuring and silent wisdom.


I am a sporty person, started training for volleyball in 5th grade and became part of the central school’s delegation for the Volleyball district meet in Bogo in 1986. Continued playing the sport until high school and was the team captain during my senior year.

My high school’s biggest crush, a wavy-haired boy with deep-set eyes, courted me during our gardening class while I was busy watering and weeding the eggplants in the plot assigned to me and when he hesitantly but bravely expressed his intentions, I felt my face blushing, I was nervous as hell and my heartbeat raced so fast, I never uttered even a single word until he left me…and he didn’t come near me ever again.

Joined CAT-I training in third year high school and met my first ever BF (not necessarily first love) who gave me my ever first kiss too.

My favorite subject was Physics but I ironically flunked my Mechanics 311 in third year college just because I was crazy in love and it consumed me whole when we broke up.

I miss my six siblings so much, especially my Manang Bebie now that 80’s love songs are playing on my PC speakers, I remember how she loved the songs Terminal, Meet Me Halfway, Take Me Now and Reality. Now I’m turning sentimental again.

I met Lynette at COSAP during the Ms. Teen Cebu City pageant '94 and to this day, she was and still is the sweetest gal I’ve ever met in my whole life, the very BIG ready hugs, those made me feel loved and accepted beyond telling. Thanks, Nette. I miss your hugs damn much.

I met a handful of good female pals after that, to name a few, Chantelle and Evelyn, and I’m just happy our friendship didn’t end even though we could not spend so much time together. I’m glad they’ve become a part of my life.

That I love the wisdom of Florence each time the group discusses marital issues and she’s one of the fairest women I met.

I hang out with my badminton buddies on weekends and we bond like brothers and sisters and oh, I’m the only one who doesn’t have a car, so I got the chance to switch drivers every now and then!

I have three wonderful networks to associate with, the SHS Alumni wives’ group, the USJ-RIEBatch 97 group and the MNC Badminton Addicts’ group and I love being part of these groups to explore my life in different angles. And all of them make me appreciate every single blessing in life.

I am sentimental and a cry-baby, a whiner and a not-so-patient Mom but I’m glad to have a husband who still loves me so much, who does not give up on me whatever happens.

I love red roses; I even picked some yesterday from Mom’s garden to give my desk a lively lift, color and life, right now it still looks dainty and beautiful. Maybe one more day before it finds its way to the trash.

Give More To Life

“What is your life’s purpose?” I asked an elderly neighbor as we strode toward the chapel area for a talk, the kind of casual talk I used to engage with him during my daily strolls from the office to the house. “Why do you want to know? You mean, until now you haven’t known your purpose yet?” was his quick reply. Sheepishly, I said that I have an idea but I’m not that sure yet if what I’ve been doing contributes a great deal to my life-purpose. “Well, my life’s purpose is to give more to life than take more from it. Does that make sense to you? If it does, you write a book about it.” Then off he went. I was caught speechless, it took me awhile to digest what he meant by the statement. Well and good, I learned a very striking lesson that day, enough to make me ask and examine myself, am I giving more to life rather than taking more from it? Or am I just neither too concerned nor too cold about it? This question repeatedly rings in my head each time I find time to be alone and contemplate. Yeah, I am confident that I’m giving my best in anything I do but sometimes I find myself guilty because I tend to sweat simple stuffs and I complain a lot. I render extra service but once I get too tired, I could easily whine and worse, curse at times. How could this be considered giving more to life than taking from it? I know my weaknesses as well as my strengths and sometimes no matter the inner prodding to give out with much gusto without strings attached, I still do otherwise. The past three weeks have been a very tough time for me, my body already felt so tired, so overworked but I kept pushing it to its limits. I still played badminton for two hours last Saturday despite the backache. Thank heavens coz on Monday morning, I awoke feeling energized and vibrant again! A brand-new day has come, a new opportunity to live and give more to life, as I should. I promised never to sweat the small stuff this week but here I go again, getting involved in too petty but essential issues. I bet this makes life tick around the workplace and to care about small, minor details is relative to gradually making life better and giving it more profound meaning. That in order to make big leaps, one must take those tiny little steps required each and everyday. As long as we have a heart that constantly gives thanks from above despite the hardships of daily struggle, a mind that acknowledges God as the giver of wisdom and proper judgment and hands that do the work that we are given with all gratitude and thanksgiving and a yielded spirit to do God’s will for our lives on a day-to-day basis. I guess this is what it’s all about, isn’t it? To appreciate great things, we must first recognize the impact of little blessings in our life. Indeed, I have loads of loads of little blessings I devalued. Those little things make up my archive of grand blessings and endowments. The morning sunshine, my cab driver who gives me a lift every morning, the smiles, kicks and giggles my son gives me as I lift him up from the crib, the mixed expression on the face of my little one as I wave my goodbyes before going to work, my husband’s warm kisses and his tender massage when I get really tired, my eldest son’s diligence in answering the books that his Ninang gave him on his birthday, the words of encouragement from friends, my multiply buddies, the kindly staff in the warehouse who always casts his smiles at me each time I come to the office, the lady janitress who greets me every single morning and the gardener who warns me to slow down every time he dampens the pavement so that I may not trip or lose my balance. And the list goes on and on, I know there are still more to be thankful about and to smile about. Oh, one more thing, Marlon’s smile, he has such kind of smile that takes away my feeling of weariness, that smile that I need in the middle of a very tense day. I know these people ought to give more to life too like me. J

Reminds me of St. Francis of Assisi’s prayer, “Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is injury, let me bring pardon; where there is hatred, let me bring love; where there is doubt, faith; where there’s despair, hope; where there is darkness, let me bring light; where there is sadness, let me bring joy. Help me to show I understand; help me to want to offer my hand; help me to be where, I find a need there, comfort the man suffering alone; forgetting that I have needs of my own.” Indeed this is a very beautiful prayer of selfless giving of self for others. Giving more to life, this is my constant desire. And I ask God to touch me into doing the things that He wills for me everyday. And I thank Him for giving me a keen sense of understanding to reflect on things like this every chance I get. Thank you, God.

...he's leaving and... it makes me sad

I'm not usually like this when somebody tenders his/her resignation to join other companies to seek greener pastures. But this time I feel that it isn't like me at all. Coz a good guy friend of mine would soon join his wife in NZ and even before he tenders his resignation, I'm already falling apart. I've been asking myself why for the longest time...His name is Roehl, his is a name that just rings uniqueness, so like him in a lot of ways. We don't agree on most things almost all the time, in fact I 'hate' him sometimes for his suave and gentle ways, you know that love-hate type of feeling, that's how I always feel about him. I admire him for his cool nature but I hate him because he doesn't go for slow love songs which I love listening, in the contrary he is so fond of pop rock, alternative and new wave. I'm a hopeless romantic and he isn't. He hates badminton but loves swimming instead. But as if by fate, we became really good friends, we talk about everything and anything under the sun. That even now that we both have partners of our own, we still care for each other in a very special way. I ride with him almost every afternoon after work as we're coincidentally neighbors and he is a good friend of my husband too, they grew up together. But I only met him at work way back 99. He was that sole dependable person who saved me once from the wrath of my brother-in-law, the very kind soul who extended a hand and offered his home to me when I was too lost and I could not thank him enough for that. That I could almost vocalize the song, "Oh friend, it's so nice to feel you hold me again, no it doesn't matter where you have been, my heart welcomes you back home again..." and inside I feel like crying. Sometimes it confuses me why I feel such terrible pain of solitude and crippling loss simply by the thought that he will no longer be around. Even writing this post gives me a heavy heart. I wish I could cheer myself up and condition myself that soon he will be out of here and life goes on even without him, but how? At the moment, I'm cherishing each and every moment with him, I argue with him lesser and lesser now, I express what I truly feel, I don't hold back my feelings, even the most nonsense ones. I laugh out loud over his corny jokes at lunch, I chat with him every chance I get (now getting more wholesome, no more nasty stuffs like before) and I constantly and honestly told him I would truly miss him, not minding to filter my thoughts and my emotions for time really flies so fast and as much as possible, I want to imprint happy and good memories of me in his heart, the kind that would make him smile and say that he's glad he befriended me because one thing is certain, he has become a very vital part of my existence and I'm just glad he came into my life.
For you my ever dearest friend, I hope life will be kind to you and no matter what happens, be in touch with your roots, with your good old friends and family for they will be the ones who will back you up and will always be there for you. Hope you'd stay humble and gentle, it got you so far here, no doubt this same trait would get you beyond what you imagined to achieve. Just do the things that make you happiest, remember that I will always be praying for you and your family. What are kumares for? I love you, my friend. As early as now, bon voyage! Happy hunting.

Stranger by the Day

A lot of things have been running through my head lately, the thoughts on possibilities outside work, school, the thought of changing career, of quitting my present job and be a full-time mom, trying my luck in applying for New Zealand like the rest of my friends, plan to run my own business, the dilemma as to where to get the start-up capital, the business plan...my mind would not rest, it keeps on thinking till my head aches. It feels like my work is getting stranger by each passing day, the more I think on quitting, the stranger the job content gets. I'm now 75% sure of submitting my resignation at the end of this month, with or without a new workplace to transfer to. I started texting my network that I'd be out of work come July, a part of me excited about it, another part of me a little afraid to take the risk considering I have at least two legitimate mouths to feed. But if I always think of the latter, then I'd surely be stuck in this hole forever. Last night, I had much more time to wander my thoughts than usual. My second son was feverish I had to carry him all night to sleep. I tried rationalizing the situation, avoiding as much as possible the human factors involved and I realized that this problem started during my first few months in the company, early on I've never been in sync with my boss. We always clashed because her principles really vary 180º from mine and that she truly gets on my nerves eversince. I opted to stay because that time it was the only company giving out ample fringe benefits and admittedly, I only worked to satisfy my physiological needs, in short, it was all about the money at first. Then the following years, I gained some precious good friends, found myself with them, it was really tough to leave. But still the one on top is the ultimate "enemy." We never really get along so well, ours do not go beyond the casual morning greetings, more often than not, we avoid meeting each other's gazes. I didn't mind real much since I am overly confident that I could still discharge my basic functions anyway even without passing through her. Then came the realization stage which happened about two years ago, I had to bend to her way of doing things because whether I like it or not, she's still the boss and I'm just her lowly subordinate. Still the effort did not pay off, I feel it in my gut that she recognizes my initiative and intelligence, but could not give me the slightest trust which is the ultimate thing that matters to her especially because she's a person full of confidential issues. I still do not understand and nor do I have plans of knowing why she is like that to most people not just with me. We were even on the hot seat once because they suspected that our badminton was meant to establish a movement against her or management. Yet my conscience is clear and I meant good eversince day 1. I just could not tolerate manipulation and exploitation and I stand up for the things I believe in. Now the time has come for me to move on and put my intelligence and wit to better use. I could not allow them to under utilize me for one more year just because of that unfounded fear of incapability to provide for my family. I have had enough of this rotten office culture of prejudice and pretension. I want to live my life the way I should regardless of the pay. For now I'm more trusting that someone up there would provide for me and be with me all the way. I hope and pray that this is the right thing to do. I'm now yielding it to the Almighty for I also believe that prayers will be heard one day and God is always good.

MM

Whew! Classes has finally officially started this week. Immediately after the trip back home from the hospital on Tuesday, I rushed back to UP to attend the day 1 of my Master of Management class. I had to see the division secretary first to get hold of my class cards and I was really excited. I forgot that I took no decent lunch that day while I was in the hospital. I only had Chinese lumpia dipped in tomato sauce. Nevertheless, I didn't feel starved, I only felt the sudden surge of eagerness and excitement by the mere thought that I'd be going back to school after nine long years. haha
I was able to meet a few classmates before the clock struck five-thirty PM and we had a little chance to chat and get to know one another. At around six PM, our teacher came in, a canon in focus and a laptop in tow. She wore a white long sleeved blouse and khaki pants, no make-up, not even wearing lipstick or lip gloss. I figured she was a stern professor by the way she glanced at us the moment she made the roll call. Then we're made to introduce ourselves to the rest of the group, I came second in the list because I was seated next to the first person named She. Darn, I wasn't as attentive to the first speaker and I missed getting her complete name, I was so busy thinking about what to say when my turn comes. When it was the third person's turn to speak, I got my pen and listed each of their names in my notebook, where they are currently connected, how old they were (at least to those who opted to divulge their ages), as well as their nicknames, then their expectations on the course and from UP. One seemingly young male classmate said he enrolled the course just to check if his brain still works, then we all burst out laughing, I chuckled. Well, recalling what I said, I expected to gain new friends and acquire new learnings, a phrase I shamelessly copied from She. (I was not at all original, shame on me and I thought I owed her something) Good thing we rode the same jeepney route in going home, I paid for the ride.
We will meet again Tuesday next week. In the first four meetings, it will be our professor who would do all the talking but the meetings after the fourth one would be tougher, we would already start the group presentation of case analysis. I could only wish myself good luck to this new endeavor. I hope this time, schooling would be a lot more fun than it was way back in my college days. Although it takes three long hours per meeting, the consolation is it's only done once a week. While I barely had enough monetary provisions before, with my work now, at least I could afford to buy myself dinner after class, not just feast on White rabbit when hunger strikes.
Now, do I have any reason to be happy? Yes, the anticipation that I'll be actively networking with a new bunch of buds is reason enough to get high and excited. I am grateful to my boss for granting me the opportunity to go back to school once more. Thanks, Boss. The grade would be another story.hehe

Awakened

"A good organization should be concerned with its people's career paths, are your companies concerned about your dreams, your aspirations and your career paths? If not, this is the perfect time for you to leave them because you'd have no future with them," said my professor one Tuesday evening and she kept me thinking hard and long. Could she be throwing that question to me in particular? Well, I should thank her for making me see the signs, for waking me up from a deep sleep, for making me face the hard fact that I don't belong to my present organization because I'm made for something better. What's keeping me from leaving then? A few reasons surfaced...I never wanted to leave the comfort it gave me, the routine, the mastery of my job that's seemingly getting stranger and stranger in each passing day now, the fear of change, that unfounded fear of not getting something better. It's a shame to be out of work having two mouths to feed like it's my lifeline, so afraid I could not support them by any other means, that cost me my dreams of dreams. What is it that I dream most? I asked myself a lot of times. Hmmmn, it's a tough question I guess. Because I could not find the answers, because I'm stuck with the thought, the belief that something better exists out there. A great dilemma, isn't it? One thing is certain, I just feel like I'm stuck in a hole, an abyss and could not find my way up no matter how hard I swim my way up, no matter how hard I tried to blend in with its culture and identify myself with the way it does things. I am unhappy, I don't feel I belong and I feel unwanted most of the time. No one sees my competence or nobody puts justifiable weight to it, no one cares to value it. So, what's the use of sticking around? I am not giving justice to what God is making me for. I know I am made for something better, this I always tell myself and this is the thing that I wanted to believe. I am made for tough challenges, for mind-boggling ones, I can't find contentment in boring routines, in rotten office politics and dirty manipulations. I want to be maximized, can't anyone hear me?
This time, I know this is for good. I've made peace with myself about those unfounded fears I had, the doubts set straight, the focus is the future. Something good comes along I know. I must conquer my fear, if the birds up in the sky could live freely and so joyfully, there's no reason a person as special as me can't do the same. Reminds me of the song Mission of Man with this line on its lyrics "You are never forsaken, like the sparrows all over the sky, you maybe badly bedridden oh man, yet trust and you'll never die." So long as I have trust, I have faith in God, my maker, for sure, I won't die.
Thanks Dr. Chaves for waking me up...I'm glad to be liberated from the bondage of unfounded fear and ignorance. I have to go to find my way, to spread my wings in a bigger and happier world. Thanks Nissin for all the comfort you have allowed me to taste for the past seven years, I feel so honored. I love you much but I could not permit my growth to be hindered, I hate to leave but there's no other way. Thank you for helping me find true friends, true people who shared my life, who helped me live a fuller one. Goodbye is a bittersweet word yet I know this is for the BETTER. I wish you prosperity and good tidings in the years to come. Till we meet again.

What Moves Me?

She has that aura of stiffness especially with glasses on, you could hardly see a smile on her face, she stares at you and watches your every move. It could be her strategy to keep that distance to her students or she could be just that, as a person. Last week, I was caught in a very awkward situation after class. I realized I forgot my jacket under the desk, oh my! Worse, it was raining outside, I needed to get it! With all the courage I could muster, I approached her hesitantly. I almost could not believe she was nicely escorting me back to get my jacket. She was pure human after all. On the way out of the building, I found it easier to chat with her about school, kids and work. Then I asked her that very question which made her laugh out loud, " Oh Miss, why aren't you considering marriage?" She answered me, "You do a case study on me." Then I found myself speaking about marriage and raising beautiful kids, about having a husband who takes care of me. But she was kind of indifferent, I wonder what happened in the past which turned her into a skeptical woman that she is today. Doesn't she believe in the power of love? I still do wonder sometimes why such a likable, so intelligent woman like her could not find herself a partner. Well, she has her own reasons as well and I should let her enjoy her most-needed privacy on the matter. I said my thanks and bade my goodbyes, off she went while I joined my other group mates waiting outside the building.
One Friday afternoon, our group went to school to get a copy of our rated case analyses as Dr. Chaves ordered us to do. When we arrived, our group mate, Ruth, was already inside the faculty room chatting with her. We hesitated to join them at first but she called us in, so we all seated ourselves in front of her. She commented on our works, good thing we came coz we missed to attach the rating sheets, reason enough for her not being able to rate our works. We rushed to the nearest internet cafe to print the rating sheet, so edgy as she appeared so stern to us and reiterating that she will be leaving town the following morning. She had to go overtime that night to check and critique our respective works which according to her uses up one whole ballpen due to the lengthy comments she would put on the paper. We then agreed to get our duly checked cases the following morning at six-thirty or she would just leave it to the dorm's caretaker, Auntie Syl. Before we went off, she requested us to return those checked papers to our classmates as we would be meeting them in our Econ class on Sundays. So, I took the papers of the morning class and Lor took the papers of those belonging in the afternoon class.
I had this itch of peeking at my classmates' works, their grades and especially Ms. Chaves' comments. I knew it was inappropriate but I did glance over the works of some selected few, those people I know and those I found active class participators, so curious how they wrote their cases and how they fared in general. Well, those I regarded highly fared so well, while a few others did not do quite well, I started to get anxious about mine. I was asking myself if I made sense in my reasoning and all. Nevertheless, I got too excited to have my paper back.
When Ruth handed me my paper the following afternoon, I immediately glanced over the rating sheet and to my greatest surprise, she gave me high grades, they ranged from 1.5 to 1.25, I could not quite believe what I was seeing! I had to really get a closer look at each of them to internalize what those grades meant. I still saw the red ink marks, the suggestions and comments on my paper and those comments of disagreement to some arguments that I penned there. I was so shy to openly show my joy and pride in front of my group mates but my heart was singing with joy. All I did was to reassure them that the next case would definitely be better to shift the mood to a lighter tone.
So far, so good. I'm doing quite well in my schooling and I could feel the adrenaline rush every time I prepare my things for school. I read the topics in advance if I have spare time, it seems that my efforts are now centered at my masteral classes most especially in 201. I get excited to meet up with my group almost daily after office hours. Whatever it is that motivates me, that moves me into doing the things I do now, I bet is an inherent thing inside me. As Dr. Chaves said, "When your hand is into something, it's certain that your heart is also into it." And I subscribe to it without any doubt. Thanks to Ms. Chaves for inspiring me, for motivating me and for moving me to do what I ought to do. I am excited to learn more and more every single day. I hope this fire keeps on burning until I finish this course, I hope the sharing would never end, I wish I would see my group mates everyday to enrich our lives by the sharing we have and glorify the Most High in the process of interacting.

Immensely Blest

Pssst, would you believe it? Our group is the most lively and the most united one from 201 class. Ours is a mixture of an accountant, social worker, two bankers and a planner. What a perfect combination it is! And we are a mixture of diverse people coming from various regions sometimes I could not believe how we managed to hit it off considering our varied cultural backgrounds. Michelle hails from the beautiful Bohol, Ruth from Balamban, Lorelie from Dumaguete, Jane comes from Palawan and I'm from Sogod. When all five personalities meet and blend together, imagine the result. We are the group who constantly shares our food (Jane's) to the rest of the class, be it cashew nuts from Palawan or finger foods and cookies, the ones who refrain from talking but passing a sheet of paper around to speak our minds then giggle aloud when funny things are written, the most inseparable cluster who appears to be very accommodating, the most humane group, I should say. And we could not get enough of each other. Eventhough the case study does not require us to meet as a group, oh we do just to share what we see are the problems involved and in a way, make it easier to dissect the whole case. We do believe in the power of converging our thoughts and drawing power from a group idea. We are quite good on this plus the endless sharing we have on mundane matters, some even too personal to divulge but we do with ease as we have found mutual trust among each other over a whole pan of Yellow Cab/Shakey's pizza or over McDonald's goodies. We usually start our group meeting with food to fuel our brains and fill up our tummies. I for one always long for that special bond we have. It's nice to belong to a group of technocrats in their own fields of specialization and having identified myself with the rest of them. I ever felt younger, so carefree and immensely blessed. School is a lot of fun especially in UP. It's so challenging when the professor catches you off-guard by the multitude reading materials in such a limited time, too little time, too much to do. But we still find the time to play badminton and dilly-dally. We burn our midnight oils, yes, two days prior to the set deadline, funny how fast we could get a grasp of the problem in such a short time, having not so much accomplishment the previous meetings where there was still ample time. We tease each other, tell below-the-belt kind of jokes at times and laugh our hearts out really loud. I could see Ruth's blushing cheeks as she laughs, Jane's puzzled look and Lor's reserved smile, Michelle's funny comments while me, oh well, I laugh the loudest. I easily get amused and I could easily spot funny punchlines. This is just me, I guess. Jane always looks puzzled, you should see that look in her eyes with matching crumpled forehead, she looks innocent and so lovely.
Ah, my group is simply great...these girls are like younger sisters to me. How I look forward to each and every interaction we have. How blessed I feel every time we share about our little complicated lives and how we give uplifment to a lowly soul who needs care and love. May we stay this way and continue to be a blessing to one another.

The Art of Bluffing

Years and years before, I found the act of bluffing extremely gross, as in I despise people who appear masters of such, I tried as much as possible to stay away from artistic liars literally. Now it seems that I am beginning to acquire my master's degree in the art of bluffing. How and when it started, I could not remember, maybe I've been subtly but constantly over-exposed to an environment where pretense and sham is a commonplace. A place where you see people wearing varied masks to hide what they truly feel, a place where you hear people insult each other delicately, where sarcasm is a way of life.
Yesterday was one fateful day for me because among the many companies I tried my luck on, I was invited for an interview by a prestigious employer (at least from what I've heard) at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. I was in a way excited or was more like nervousness as I made several trips to the comfort room in the morning until noontime even during the time I had my hair trimmed at the salon that I had to excuse myself to relieve that agitated feeling inside. It was such an ordeal, I mean the seemingly endless waiting time. I was done at 2:30 PM and headed home to slip into a business attire or was it corporate attire that my classmate was trying to say? The drive to their office was long, my hub didn't know the exact way to go, near that naval base or something all the while I thought it was along that road where Keppel Shipyard is located but to our dismay, that depot there is not the one. We had to go straight then turn right as soon as we spot that naval base signage, the end of that road is where Chevron-Visayas office is situated. When I got off the car, I saw rain clouds forming heavily in the skies perfectly matching the mood I was in. I had to bring that huge umbrella kept in the car as my hub was kinda sure it was gonna rain and it did just as I was ushered by that nice lady to be seated at a couch adjacent to the staff's cubicles where I heard keyboards snapping, Tagalog-speaking folks discussing and that familiar smell, oh how corporate! The ambiance was so like TMX, bittersweet memories of TMX days came flooding over me in an instant. Those hectic TMX days, how could one forget those? That very place where I met my prince. Then my mind slipped to my kind driver, then a grateful smile formed at the corner of my lips, my husband was right, I should trust his instincts sometimes.
At 4 o'clock sharp, two guys approached me, the younger one I supposed was Rey, the classmate of my classmate whom I emailed my papers to and the other I was sure was his boss, the one who would conduct the interview. With slightly awkward smiles, we went inside the office and I extended my hand to both of them, Rey asked me if I had my resume with me, bummer! I did not print one assuming he has gone through it and printed one previously, how could I? I only brought with me a copy of my TOR instead which he did not bother to see ironically. The gesture was so clear, he was not interested to see my credentials after all, alright since it was only a very short interaction, an informal one at that. I started to get worried, but I had to refocus. He began by asking me to briefly say something about myself then the most dreaded question came about, "What took you so long to decide on pursuing a sales-oriented type of job? I mean, you're 32, married, I don't mean to discourage you or anything but knowing you have a family to take care of and the job woud be requiring you 70% of the time to travel to Cotabato area and the outskirts of Mindanao, how would you be able to manage it? Besides this job is suited for those whose ages range from 23-26, still trainable, willing to travel, the risk-takers, those single adventure- driven individuals who think that anything could happen on the field. How will you fit to that job?" I really knew what I was getting into prior to that engagement but decided to take my chance still. I asked a couple of questions about the business and that retail business consultancy thing to at least take home something from that valuable experience as intuition told me, I did not get it. Then the cue was expressed to me when he said, "Are there any more questions? We will just keep your credentials in active file and should we have a marketing opening or anything in the future that does not require travel, we will just call you." He asked my name again and we shook hands, I thanked him for the rare opportunity. With a heavy heart, I left the facility. That long stretch of distance was something I didn't mind taking because along the way, I needed to regain my much needed composure before coming to my 5:30 PM class where my classmates were so giddy to hear about what happened during the interview and all as they were excited for me, not to mention my other support network, Mike and Nolan, who kept texting me at those extremely down moments. I felt like crying, I regretted why I waited almost 7 years before finally facing my fears, before setting myself free from the bondage of ignorance. I resolved that I could not bring back the hands of time and better start planning my next move. As soon as I reached the jeepney area, my brow was already full of sweat, I breathed a sigh of relief coz the rain stopped. It was 10 to 5:00 PM and I had to hurry up else I would be late, did not intend to double-jeopardize my day. I was comfortably seated in that vehicle en route Ayala when the memory of the interview haunted me, I turned teary-eyed once more. I felt suddenly very small, I felt there's just nowhere to go. But I kept sending the messages that I was taking everything well, that I kept a sunny disposition, that I deserve something better, that I had this very big smile in my heart despite everything. Because I wanted to convince myself I was totally okay but in reality, I shrank and sank, I did not feel great, behind the mask was a heart full of angst, full of unleashed pain. I told myself, there will always be later to sulk and to consume myself in grief. In 30 minutes, I have to pretend I was not affected, I had to show them I was fine and that I did not worry a single bit. The class discussions and reporting went on smoothly until 8:30 PM, with a few shared jokes with Lor along the way. Then Jane passed to us a paper informing that we were invited for dinner at the Chief-of-Staff's office in Camp Lapu-lapu, we readily accepted the offer. We talked and talked until almost midnight, I was glad I managed to stay composed and was able to put aside the feelings of depression and loneliness. We parted in a lighter tone as usual.
When I reached home, I felt the need to vent out the pent up emotions inside, I silently wept in despair. Good thing my hub did not notice. I stayed awake till almost 3:00 AM saying little prayers in between sobbing until I got tired. I was waken by Aaron's grunts, he was soaking wet direly needed to change nappies and I sensed he was starving too because he refused to sleep even with new dry pajamas on. I crawled to get his bottle of water and mixed his milk and fed him to sleep. The reality dawned on me again, another day, another round of bluffing awaits me, I guess it has become a way of life here, a necessity of sort.
Today I'm thankful for Eda, for Sir Rey, for Nolan, for Mike, for Jane, for Elena, for Melvin and for Danny, my trike driver, who gives his time to bring me to the office every single day, oh I have not told him yet I'd be out of work in barely three weeks. Tomorrow, I'm gonna tell him...To these people, I know I don't have to bluff because they are genuine people. They could simply tell just by looking at my eyes to know if I am okay or not. These people have the power to unmask me, to unveil my hidden self. They are the persons who are with me both in good and bad times.

Paying It Forward

Maybe it's a part of my daily agenda to do things to delight the people around me, to put value in every interaction with everyone and everybody, to give each one a smile, a hug if the need be, give comforting words to those dampened souls and share a good laugh to those who are sunny and gay. There are moments when my heart sings for joy and I share this happiness within to everybody, I just knew it, if I project a happy disposition, all of them would turn out happy too. It begets a positive aura and I am a sucker for happy moments and pleasant environments. This is so me, I want everyone to feel happy and just be truly happy as can be with me.
I generously give what I have, at times my hub complains that I tend to give so much which often leaves nothing for myself, I usually answer him back by saying that it gives me pleasure beyond telling to help someone in need. I sometimes ask myself, "Is it my fault if my siblings turn to me for help? Is it a sin giving out more than what should be given and still allow them to take from me even if broken promises had been made by them in the past?" I console myself by filling my thoughts about the value of sharing without expecting any gratification in return. And would you believe it, good deeds do come bouncing back to you in ten, twenty, hundredfolds. I could vouch to this one! It may not come exactly packaged in the same form as the manner you gave them out but it just comes back in a lot many forms and nature. As for me, it all came back in good friendships, the truly enriching kind I often could say, "God, how do I deserve to be blest this much?" I turn teary-eyed with happiness, I could only sing, my heart swells with joy! Sometimes I feel so special to be lavished with the attention I get, trying so very hard never to let it get into my head and just feel grateful, utterly thankful. How should I exactly articulate this? I am so thankful right now to those people who are responsible for making me live my life fully and beautifully (you know who you all are).
Maybe just maybe, I learned to live like this through experience, I learned all these the hard way. But there's one thing I could say with conviction, as long as one does things right from the very core of her/his being, life would always be pleasant, worth sharing and worth living. I know I am about to close one crucial chapter in my career yet I know in my heart that a bigger one is waiting for me out there. The most important thing of all is that I'd be taking with me the friendships, the love we've shared in the last seven years, the lessons I've learned and the person that I become. Along the path of life, I could only be sure of one thing, I gave out as much as I should, I loved, I served, I made people happy when they are with me. I go lighthearted, no extra baggage, armed with only the highest of hopes that life would treat me kindly where fate would take me from here. For as long as I have faith that the captain of my life knows the course, I need not feel weary. And this is the most liberating feeling of all, when you know that beyond what you can bear, there's someone who would carry you through. Keeping my feet firmly planted to the ground, I just have to trust that God is working in my life in such a mystical way and in His time, I shall understand why all things happen the way they do. That there's a divine order on every event in a person's life, in my life. He's the best when it comes to giving out simple surprises, simple blessings that would last a person his whole life through, the things that he so package in a way that's so tailored fit for you. And I could not contain the amazement it brings me each time, He is truly a perfect God. He knows exactly when and from what direction the blessings come from for one to truly appreciate what He's given. If there's one person who's good in paying things forward, it's Him, my God, our God. We only need to be keen to be aware of His divine interventions on a daily basis.
Like I got so worried I would not be able to settle my bills as my final compensation would be held in month-end and shall be released after a month along with my gratuity pay and my final take-home pay and guess what, my hub was blest with an AVP project for the wedding of Marriott's big guy that paid him quite handsomely, so tailored-fit to our financial needs right this very moment! Oh, God is truly good in making things happen the way He so designed them to happen enough to catch our attention and give that much needed momentary impact. Believe in the principle of paying things forward by going the extra mile and you'll never go wrong. This is my all-time mantra. What have you?

Development

After a long, long time of not blogging here in multiply, I am back...my trips to Mindanao had been really exhausting but I did miss doing the thing that I love, writing. So much has happened, so many things have changed, so much of myself had been transformed in a matter of months since I became a 'consultant' by accident.
I never thought this kind of job would become me, I used to think I could not be as good an IT Consultant and a Project Implementor at all compared to the others who have IT or programming background at that. Thanks to my teammate for making me see and realize I could be categorically considered 'good' in this field especially on the business process aspect of the job.
And if there's one great thing I appreciated and I found most enjoyable in it, it's on meeting and getting to know different people from varied cultural backgrounds and how I eased my way out with the majority of them. My other teammates sometimes get too disturbed by my unique and distinct intensity in handling people, in dealing with "exceptional" exemptions and substandard practices people do. But for me it was more like a part of the package, if I don't have this sense of strength and sure demeanor, I could be eaten whole and alive on the field especially down south. Sometimes I ask myself, what could be the price I have to pay for all these? I admit, I intimidated so many salesmen and sales office managers, sometimes even the GM but for me that is just the start of establishing the relationship with all of them, just a prelude to something great or worse. I don't rehearse what I should say, although the night before each opening and closing meeting that I preside over, I ask for guidance from above to supply my mind and my heart with wisdom to answer in the most logical, humane and fair way. I sometimes feel guilty each time I notice smirks, raised eyebrows, dismayed look and oftentimes the gestures of vagueness and uncertainty in the eyes of people attending those countless meetings. I always inject words of wisdom in my lectures, thanks to Dr. Chaves and the readings she introduced to me in masteral, some quotable quotes I love from the Bible and some notable phrases I picked up from the numerous books I read. Like my fave teammate, I had been an avid reader who always had the habit of remembering noteworthy lines and thoughts from all the reading materials I got hold with in the past.In fact, this gives me more motivation to keep on reading and writing to polish the skill, if indeed it is a SKILL in itself.
Well, on the flip side, I know I laugh a lot with my teammates, I am myself and most of all, I am enjoying this break so much. Thanks be to God for the wonderful people I got the chance to meet along the course of my job. Everytime I say my goodbyes, I made sure my gratefulness to their coming into my life was known.
To you my friends, thanks for being a part of this wonferful journey...I am wonderfully blest with good friends, family and great work. I am counting my blessings everyday...Thank you Lord for all these.
Next stop, CDO until the 22nd. I know so much still has to unfold and I am as excited as before to get a taste of the life in Iligan.

What I Want for Christmas

A number of close friends asked me what is it I want for Christmas...honestly I still haven't thought about that real much. I want to say all I want for Christmas is a pair of purple havaianas slim flip-flops but no, I don't want it that much...in fact I bought myself a pair and after a week of using it, I did not see it as something so different from my usual brand of rubber sandals. Well, they say the comfort factor makes it one-of-a-kind, not either. I had tried Nikon brand before and up until now, it's still the most comfortable flip-flop brand I had tried. Maybe it's the fad that's making it special...at least I am sure it's not the something I want for Christmas.
I thought about books, what kind? Do I have the luxury of time to read when I am on-site? I realized I don't have, instead of reading, I try instead to catch up get some sleep.
I took a look at my Lacoste perfume bottle, I almost run out of supply because I use it on a daily basis when I do support. But this morning, it felt nostalgic when I smelled D&G Light Blue on Evelyn, my best friend. Oh, the scent blends so well with her natural scent, having known her for years and years, I know for sure what line of scent suits her. I tried spraying some on my pulse points and yeah, it becomes me as well. Evic, Evelyn and I wore the same scent today that made people stare at us in the mall. I find it amusing 'though. Now I am thinking, shall I get D&G instead of Lacoste for Christmas? I am still thinking. hehe
I am actually the type of person who do have a wish list but never expects those wishes given to me, why? Because I tend to wish for very expensive things or commodities. I usually purchase the things myself one-at-a-time. In fact, ifever I am lucky to own a house, I want to equip it with a soundroom with a mini-theater in it. Maybe I would watch Celine Dion and Eagles DVD over and over again. Oh, wishes!!!
A new cellular phone, it came accross my mind also but I just bought myself a Sony last September, I cannot afford to be exorbitant this time. tsk...tsk...
Bags, shoes and purse...no need, Tita Sue gave me a Tommy Hilfiger bag early this month, I have more than fifteen pairs of shoes on standby in my shoerack since I am continuously using open type leather sandals on site and sometimes my 360 rubber shoes in case I feel like it, and I just got myself a Girbaud wallet in November. Looking at the accummulation of backpacks, wallets, belts, shoes, sandals, body care products that I bought on sale, the great number of Hollister and Abercrombie blouses and polo shirts, I know I don't need anything material this Christmas.
What I absolutely need is something immaterial, something soulful, something personally fulfilling that is called LOVE...This is the only thing that I would always long for even if it's given to me endlessly and repeteadly every single minute of my life. The love of my "Mahal" is the only thing I want for Christmas and everyday of my life. It is something no amount of money could buy or trade with.
I hope it's not too much to ask for LOVE during this season of giving. Merry Christmas!

Me, Myself and I

It's tough being alone like this especially in such a far-flung place like Mindanao. Good thing Wi-Fi Internet Connection is available and free of charge here, else I would have gone crazy in a matter of days. However, the upside of it is, being alone like this gives me a kind of peace and quiet I could never attain somewhere else. It gives me the freedom to know myself better, get in touch with my inner self and just talk to myself. Sometimes I amuse myself by taking loads of photos of myself and only myself as the subject, vanity of sorts.
Today I bought a couple of things in Limketkai Mall, books, some pens, stapler and staple wires, a bag I could not make up my mind whom to give yet, three blouses, two male shirts I also am not sure whom to give for Christmas (probably my brother), sometimes I could only think of one or two special people but I had bought them gifts already, redundant...yet that's me. I admit I could be a spoiler most of the time. If I am so happy with a person, I tend to give him/her so much attention and forget all the others.
The hotel chef or something just brought my dinner in, which consisted of a bowl of cream of chicken soup, chopsuey, a piece of mango and a cup of rice, but here I am still hooked in my computer. I am almost forgetting the taste of rice, this is one of the few regular meals I have in days since I arrived Iligan. What a crazy, hectic life but full of learning and funny adventures! I could only shrug off my shoulders and say "whatever" any minute. Then I recollect every event that happened, I smile at the thought.
I bet somebody's charmed by my "charm" again, I am irked yet flattered, how can this be? Sometimes I wish I am not this amiable. But well, I could not help it, they are only human beings. I am happy I was able to handle the situation well. I hope this support would be concluded soon so that I could live in normalcy again.
Speaking of normalcy, I think I have to start eating else I'd get more abnormal. hehehehe