The Art of Bluffing

Years and years before, I found the act of bluffing extremely gross, as in I despise people who appear masters of such, I tried as much as possible to stay away from artistic liars literally. Now it seems that I am beginning to acquire my master's degree in the art of bluffing. How and when it started, I could not remember, maybe I've been subtly but constantly over-exposed to an environment where pretense and sham is a commonplace. A place where you see people wearing varied masks to hide what they truly feel, a place where you hear people insult each other delicately, where sarcasm is a way of life.
Yesterday was one fateful day for me because among the many companies I tried my luck on, I was invited for an interview by a prestigious employer (at least from what I've heard) at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. I was in a way excited or was more like nervousness as I made several trips to the comfort room in the morning until noontime even during the time I had my hair trimmed at the salon that I had to excuse myself to relieve that agitated feeling inside. It was such an ordeal, I mean the seemingly endless waiting time. I was done at 2:30 PM and headed home to slip into a business attire or was it corporate attire that my classmate was trying to say? The drive to their office was long, my hub didn't know the exact way to go, near that naval base or something all the while I thought it was along that road where Keppel Shipyard is located but to our dismay, that depot there is not the one. We had to go straight then turn right as soon as we spot that naval base signage, the end of that road is where Chevron-Visayas office is situated. When I got off the car, I saw rain clouds forming heavily in the skies perfectly matching the mood I was in. I had to bring that huge umbrella kept in the car as my hub was kinda sure it was gonna rain and it did just as I was ushered by that nice lady to be seated at a couch adjacent to the staff's cubicles where I heard keyboards snapping, Tagalog-speaking folks discussing and that familiar smell, oh how corporate! The ambiance was so like TMX, bittersweet memories of TMX days came flooding over me in an instant. Those hectic TMX days, how could one forget those? That very place where I met my prince. Then my mind slipped to my kind driver, then a grateful smile formed at the corner of my lips, my husband was right, I should trust his instincts sometimes.
At 4 o'clock sharp, two guys approached me, the younger one I supposed was Rey, the classmate of my classmate whom I emailed my papers to and the other I was sure was his boss, the one who would conduct the interview. With slightly awkward smiles, we went inside the office and I extended my hand to both of them, Rey asked me if I had my resume with me, bummer! I did not print one assuming he has gone through it and printed one previously, how could I? I only brought with me a copy of my TOR instead which he did not bother to see ironically. The gesture was so clear, he was not interested to see my credentials after all, alright since it was only a very short interaction, an informal one at that. I started to get worried, but I had to refocus. He began by asking me to briefly say something about myself then the most dreaded question came about, "What took you so long to decide on pursuing a sales-oriented type of job? I mean, you're 32, married, I don't mean to discourage you or anything but knowing you have a family to take care of and the job woud be requiring you 70% of the time to travel to Cotabato area and the outskirts of Mindanao, how would you be able to manage it? Besides this job is suited for those whose ages range from 23-26, still trainable, willing to travel, the risk-takers, those single adventure- driven individuals who think that anything could happen on the field. How will you fit to that job?" I really knew what I was getting into prior to that engagement but decided to take my chance still. I asked a couple of questions about the business and that retail business consultancy thing to at least take home something from that valuable experience as intuition told me, I did not get it. Then the cue was expressed to me when he said, "Are there any more questions? We will just keep your credentials in active file and should we have a marketing opening or anything in the future that does not require travel, we will just call you." He asked my name again and we shook hands, I thanked him for the rare opportunity. With a heavy heart, I left the facility. That long stretch of distance was something I didn't mind taking because along the way, I needed to regain my much needed composure before coming to my 5:30 PM class where my classmates were so giddy to hear about what happened during the interview and all as they were excited for me, not to mention my other support network, Mike and Nolan, who kept texting me at those extremely down moments. I felt like crying, I regretted why I waited almost 7 years before finally facing my fears, before setting myself free from the bondage of ignorance. I resolved that I could not bring back the hands of time and better start planning my next move. As soon as I reached the jeepney area, my brow was already full of sweat, I breathed a sigh of relief coz the rain stopped. It was 10 to 5:00 PM and I had to hurry up else I would be late, did not intend to double-jeopardize my day. I was comfortably seated in that vehicle en route Ayala when the memory of the interview haunted me, I turned teary-eyed once more. I felt suddenly very small, I felt there's just nowhere to go. But I kept sending the messages that I was taking everything well, that I kept a sunny disposition, that I deserve something better, that I had this very big smile in my heart despite everything. Because I wanted to convince myself I was totally okay but in reality, I shrank and sank, I did not feel great, behind the mask was a heart full of angst, full of unleashed pain. I told myself, there will always be later to sulk and to consume myself in grief. In 30 minutes, I have to pretend I was not affected, I had to show them I was fine and that I did not worry a single bit. The class discussions and reporting went on smoothly until 8:30 PM, with a few shared jokes with Lor along the way. Then Jane passed to us a paper informing that we were invited for dinner at the Chief-of-Staff's office in Camp Lapu-lapu, we readily accepted the offer. We talked and talked until almost midnight, I was glad I managed to stay composed and was able to put aside the feelings of depression and loneliness. We parted in a lighter tone as usual.
When I reached home, I felt the need to vent out the pent up emotions inside, I silently wept in despair. Good thing my hub did not notice. I stayed awake till almost 3:00 AM saying little prayers in between sobbing until I got tired. I was waken by Aaron's grunts, he was soaking wet direly needed to change nappies and I sensed he was starving too because he refused to sleep even with new dry pajamas on. I crawled to get his bottle of water and mixed his milk and fed him to sleep. The reality dawned on me again, another day, another round of bluffing awaits me, I guess it has become a way of life here, a necessity of sort.
Today I'm thankful for Eda, for Sir Rey, for Nolan, for Mike, for Jane, for Elena, for Melvin and for Danny, my trike driver, who gives his time to bring me to the office every single day, oh I have not told him yet I'd be out of work in barely three weeks. Tomorrow, I'm gonna tell him...To these people, I know I don't have to bluff because they are genuine people. They could simply tell just by looking at my eyes to know if I am okay or not. These people have the power to unmask me, to unveil my hidden self. They are the persons who are with me both in good and bad times.