Monday, October 13, 2014

To Cast The First Stone

To Cast The First Stone

People like to accuse someone of something that either destroys the person's reputation or make the person's personality tainted in the eyes of the public. This is nothing new in a more general term and specifically to me as well.

The greatest shock in my life happened sometime August when a 'supposed' close family member broke this pathetic accusation which happened a long time ago, six years to be exact or more. I felt berated, disheartened, spirits dampened yet had no intent of getting back at the person throwing me that accusation. I resorted to silent treatment and total disconnection from them in social media. It's my right, I figured.

The worst thing of all was the fact that the one who spread that rumor is dead. Or, who is telling the truth now? This is something that remains a puzzle to me. Yet, for the sake of peace-of-mind, I no longer got any interest in making a fuss. Let them who believe are sinless, blameless, faultless, cast the first stone.

I believe that no one is perfect but I have very clear sense of right and wrong. It's not that I am letting them be, what I am saying is, let them do their thing, the more they cast a stone at me, the more their insecurities surface. And who cares?

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Brand New

It felt somehow different...slightly the same...finishing my master's degree with flying colors is the most rewarding feeling of all, at least for the last three or four years in my life. However, my career in the corporate world suddenly came to a halt...whether it is for good or not, I still have to find out. I could already tell some people "been there done that" and I am moving on towards self-actualization, in something that is aligned to my mission and purpose of being. Or am I made to think this way, conditioned in a way to justify what I am doing now. Yet at a deeper thought, yes, I am fulfilled because I am now in the business of helping people without me shouting out to the world that "hey I helped you create your millions!" Funny sometimes yet I am enjoying what I am doing now. Hypocrisy aside, I am not making more than what I am capable of making in the corporate world but I feel better regarded, more rewarded in an abstract way. Justifying it to the ones I love sometimes becomes a challenge. But I do it my way...for as long as I could feed my children, buy them what they need and provide for their education, I am good. In life, it's not about the positions we hold, it is more about how we are in dealing with other human beings like us. It's not about the amount of money we saved, but it's more about the extent of us helping others in any way we can. It's not all about the material things we accumulate over the years of toil, it's about sharing our blessings and be grateful for them day in and day out. I honestly don't even have much savings now, it's a shame but I will get there someday. Right now, what matters to me is my family, my home and my relationship with the ones I love.

I could say that I am living life differently...I am defying what the generalists would say about career is not a popular one but I pursued it by choice and I did not even have the slightest disillusionment, in fact, I am more excited.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

A New Perspective

It's been quite a while since I last scribbled some lines on my journal. I was too occupied with lots of things lately. It seems that after attending the Gung Ho seminar, there are suddenly so many things to do that came about out of the blue, goals that I wanted to pursue and obligations that I needed to attend to and personal commitments I have to religiously deal with. I just suddenly felt the dire need to play badminton again, to exercise and to eat a healthy diet. I have to do something about my goal to pursue a master's degree, not just think about it as so far-fetched. It came to me that if I only think about it and not act upon it, I wouldn't be able to do something worthwhile until I reach age 50. I once made it a personal vow to only take up masters once I drive my own car and how would I be able to own a car when all I have is just enough for my family's needs? In just a matter of weeks, my perspective changed and I am determined to go for it, even without the car in tow. Somebody of influence gave me an advice that goes like this, " Empty the coins in your purse into your mind, and your mind will fill your purse with gold!" He added that this thought is for me indeed. Well, makes a lot of sense. After giving it some thought, I submitted a letter of intent to my boss asking her permission to allow me to take up masters and guess what, after three long days of waiting, she gave me a thumbs-up sign. Oh, God is truly amazing! This would mean that I wouldn't need to empty my purse inorder to fill it with gold...
This positive outcome turned out to give me some more positive things to do and to hope for, hence, the law of multiplicity. I grabbed my long-at-rest badminton racket and started playing about two weeks ago, it feels really good to be up and about. The sport not only gave me physical gains but also emotional and spiritual favors. It does not only make me feel good about myself, it also gives me an opportunity to share my life to others and vice-versa, the jokes that we share in between, the coffee-drinking sessions and everything about it that keeps me connected to and with others. That in the middle of crisis, we could still find things to thank God for, to be grateful about. And I've never felt so grateful for the blessings He has given me, my two boys, my ever-loving husband and my family who feels grateful for having me too. One good act could multiply into a hundred good reactions too from all directions.
Thanks to Gung Ho for putting things into perspective for making me see that in my own way, I could still contribute to the betterment of the society and the country, starting out from my very own family, I could make a difference to others' lives, that gradually I could impart to others the goodness within and hopefully make theirs shine for all to see as well. And by going the extra mile, I'd be an example to my children so that they may live a life of service above self. Only if I have a mind of a child could I let new knowledge come in, only if I have an open heart, can I receive and give love more fully, hence my motto is to pack an open mind and an open and passionate heart and be like a child, to ever get excited about life.
I made it my personal conviction to tithe, to say and mean my I love you's to my spouse, to act responsibly and sensibly at work, to come on time everyday (although I never had any time management issues before), to express myself fully, to give love and to receive love in return, to hope for better things to come my way, to be more grateful and to be more passionate about life.
I hope God would guide me to fulfill all these for His greater glory.

Did I Tell Ya


I started reading novels at age 11, the very first was The Sweetman Curve, a detective/suspense, crime/thriller/mystery novel by Graham Masterton and I got hooked to loads and loads of Mills and Boon novels from my neighbors after that; the kerosene lamp burned up my hair because I could not put down the book and we still had no electricity back then.

I tried to grow flowering and ornamental plants like my elder brother only to find out that even with consistent watering and cultivation, they still wilted, dried up and died. But now I successfully grew a “fortune plant” contained inside a porcelain cup given to me as birthday present by my Godmother in September 2004; I’m proud that it has grown new stems and healthy green leaves, now towering over my figurine collection on top of my desk.

I am specially attached to my mother and each time we talk, I usually do most of the talking until the wee hours of the morning and whenever I cry, she also cries with me, never says much and calms me down by her reassuring and silent wisdom.

I am a sporty person, started training for volleyball in 5th grade and became part of the central school’s delegation for the Volleyball district meet in Bogo in 1986. Continued playing the sport until high school and was the team captain during my senior year.

My high school’s biggest crush, a wavy-haired boy with deep-set eyes, courted me during our gardening class while I was busy watering and weeding the eggplants in the plot assigned to me and when he hesitantly but bravely expressed his intentions, I felt my face blushing, I was nervous as hell and my heartbeat raced so fast, I never uttered even a single word until he left me…and he didn’t come near me ever again.

Joined CAT-I training in third year high school and met my first ever BF (not necessarily first love) who gave me my ever first kiss too.

My favorite subject was Physics but I ironically flunked my Mechanics 311 in third year college just because I was crazy in love and it consumed me whole when we broke up.

I miss my six siblings so much, especially my Manang Bebie now that 80’s love songs are playing on my PC speakers, I remember how she loved the songs Terminal, Meet Me Halfway, Take Me Now and Reality. Now I’m turning sentimental again.

I met Lynette at COSAP during the Ms. Teen Cebu City pageant '94 and to this day, she was and still is the sweetest gal I’ve ever met in my whole life, the very BIG ready hugs, those made me feel loved and accepted beyond telling. Thanks, Nette. I miss your hugs damn much.

I met a handful of good female pals after that, to name a few, Chantelle and Evelyn, and I’m just happy our friendship didn’t end even though we could not spend so much time together. I’m glad they’ve become a part of my life.

That I love the wisdom of Florence each time the group discusses marital issues and she’s one of the fairest women I met.

I hang out with my badminton buddies on weekends and we bond like brothers and sisters and oh, I’m the only one who doesn’t have a car, so I got the chance to switch drivers every now and then!

I have three wonderful networks to associate with, the SHS Alumni wives’ group, the USJ-RIEBatch 97 group and the MNC Badminton Addicts’ group and I love being part of these groups to explore my life in different angles. And all of them make me appreciate every single blessing in life.

I am sentimental and a cry-baby, a whiner and a not-so-patient Mom but I’m glad to have a husband who still loves me so much, who does not give up on me whatever happens.

I love red roses; I even picked some yesterday from Mom’s garden to give my desk a lively lift, color and life, right now it still looks dainty and beautiful. Maybe one more day before it finds its way to the trash.

Give More To Life

“What is your life’s purpose?” I asked an elderly neighbor as we strode toward the chapel area for a talk, the kind of casual talk I used to engage with him during my daily strolls from the office to the house. “Why do you want to know? You mean, until now you haven’t known your purpose yet?” was his quick reply. Sheepishly, I said that I have an idea but I’m not that sure yet if what I’ve been doing contributes a great deal to my life-purpose. “Well, my life’s purpose is to give more to life than take more from it. Does that make sense to you? If it does, you write a book about it.” Then off he went. I was caught speechless, it took me awhile to digest what he meant by the statement. Well and good, I learned a very striking lesson that day, enough to make me ask and examine myself, am I giving more to life rather than taking more from it? Or am I just neither too concerned nor too cold about it? This question repeatedly rings in my head each time I find time to be alone and contemplate. Yeah, I am confident that I’m giving my best in anything I do but sometimes I find myself guilty because I tend to sweat simple stuffs and I complain a lot. I render extra service but once I get too tired, I could easily whine and worse, curse at times. How could this be considered giving more to life than taking from it? I know my weaknesses as well as my strengths and sometimes no matter the inner prodding to give out with much gusto without strings attached, I still do otherwise. The past three weeks have been a very tough time for me, my body already felt so tired, so overworked but I kept pushing it to its limits. I still played badminton for two hours last Saturday despite the backache. Thank heavens coz on Monday morning, I awoke feeling energized and vibrant again! A brand-new day has come, a new opportunity to live and give more to life, as I should. I promised never to sweat the small stuff this week but here I go again, getting involved in too petty but essential issues. I bet this makes life tick around the workplace and to care about small, minor details is relative to gradually making life better and giving it more profound meaning. That in order to make big leaps, one must take those tiny little steps required each and everyday. As long as we have a heart that constantly gives thanks from above despite the hardships of daily struggle, a mind that acknowledges God as the giver of wisdom and proper judgment and hands that do the work that we are given with all gratitude and thanksgiving and a yielded spirit to do God’s will for our lives on a day-to-day basis. I guess this is what it’s all about, isn’t it? To appreciate great things, we must first recognize the impact of little blessings in our life. Indeed, I have loads of loads of little blessings I devalued. Those little things make up my archive of grand blessings and endowments. The morning sunshine, my cab driver who gives me a lift every morning, the smiles, kicks and giggles my son gives me as I lift him up from the crib, the mixed expression on the face of my little one as I wave my goodbyes before going to work, my husband’s warm kisses and his tender massage when I get really tired, my eldest son’s diligence in answering the books that his Ninang gave him on his birthday, the words of encouragement from friends, my multiply buddies, the kindly staff in the warehouse who always casts his smiles at me each time I come to the office, the lady janitress who greets me every single morning and the gardener who warns me to slow down every time he dampens the pavement so that I may not trip or lose my balance. And the list goes on and on, I know there are still more to be thankful about and to smile about. Oh, one more thing, Marlon’s smile, he has such kind of smile that takes away my feeling of weariness, that smile that I need in the middle of a very tense day. I know these people ought to give more to life too like me. J

Reminds me of St. Francis of Assisi’s prayer, “Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is injury, let me bring pardon; where there is hatred, let me bring love; where there is doubt, faith; where there’s despair, hope; where there is darkness, let me bring light; where there is sadness, let me bring joy. Help me to show I understand; help me to want to offer my hand; help me to be where, I find a need there, comfort the man suffering alone; forgetting that I have needs of my own.” Indeed this is a very beautiful prayer of selfless giving of self for others. Giving more to life, this is my constant desire. And I ask God to touch me into doing the things that He wills for me everyday. And I thank Him for giving me a keen sense of understanding to reflect on things like this every chance I get. Thank you, God.

...he's leaving and... it makes me sad

I'm not usually like this when somebody tenders his/her resignation to join other companies to seek greener pastures. But this time I feel that it isn't like me at all. Coz a good guy friend of mine would soon join his wife in NZ and even before he tenders his resignation, I'm already falling apart. I've been asking myself why for the longest time...His name is Roehl, his is a name that just rings uniqueness, so like him in a lot of ways. We don't agree on most things almost all the time, in fact I 'hate' him sometimes for his suave and gentle ways, you know that love-hate type of feeling, that's how I always feel about him. I admire him for his cool nature but I hate him because he doesn't go for slow love songs which I love listening, in the contrary he is so fond of pop rock, alternative and new wave. I'm a hopeless romantic and he isn't. He hates badminton but loves swimming instead. But as if by fate, we became really good friends, we talk about everything and anything under the sun. That even now that we both have partners of our own, we still care for each other in a very special way. I ride with him almost every afternoon after work as we're coincidentally neighbors and he is a good friend of my husband too, they grew up together. But I only met him at work way back 99. He was that sole dependable person who saved me once from the wrath of my brother-in-law, the very kind soul who extended a hand and offered his home to me when I was too lost and I could not thank him enough for that. That I could almost vocalize the song, "Oh friend, it's so nice to feel you hold me again, no it doesn't matter where you have been, my heart welcomes you back home again..." and inside I feel like crying. Sometimes it confuses me why I feel such terrible pain of solitude and crippling loss simply by the thought that he will no longer be around. Even writing this post gives me a heavy heart. I wish I could cheer myself up and condition myself that soon he will be out of here and life goes on even without him, but how? At the moment, I'm cherishing each and every moment with him, I argue with him lesser and lesser now, I express what I truly feel, I don't hold back my feelings, even the most nonsense ones. I laugh out loud over his corny jokes at lunch, I chat with him every chance I get (now getting more wholesome, no more nasty stuffs like before) and I constantly and honestly told him I would truly miss him, not minding to filter my thoughts and my emotions for time really flies so fast and as much as possible, I want to imprint happy and good memories of me in his heart, the kind that would make him smile and say that he's glad he befriended me because one thing is certain, he has become a very vital part of my existence and I'm just glad he came into my life.
For you my ever dearest friend, I hope life will be kind to you and no matter what happens, be in touch with your roots, with your good old friends and family for they will be the ones who will back you up and will always be there for you. Hope you'd stay humble and gentle, it got you so far here, no doubt this same trait would get you beyond what you imagined to achieve. Just do the things that make you happiest, remember that I will always be praying for you and your family. What are kumares for? I love you, my friend. As early as now, bon voyage! Happy hunting.

Stranger by the Day

A lot of things have been running through my head lately, the thoughts on possibilities outside work, school, the thought of changing career, of quitting my present job and be a full-time mom, trying my luck in applying for New Zealand like the rest of my friends, plan to run my own business, the dilemma as to where to get the start-up capital, the business mind would not rest, it keeps on thinking till my head aches. It feels like my work is getting stranger by each passing day, the more I think on quitting, the stranger the job content gets. I'm now 75% sure of submitting my resignation at the end of this month, with or without a new workplace to transfer to. I started texting my network that I'd be out of work come July, a part of me excited about it, another part of me a little afraid to take the risk considering I have at least two legitimate mouths to feed. But if I always think of the latter, then I'd surely be stuck in this hole forever. Last night, I had much more time to wander my thoughts than usual. My second son was feverish I had to carry him all night to sleep. I tried rationalizing the situation, avoiding as much as possible the human factors involved and I realized that this problem started during my first few months in the company, early on I've never been in sync with my boss. We always clashed because her principles really vary 180ยบ from mine and that she truly gets on my nerves eversince. I opted to stay because that time it was the only company giving out ample fringe benefits and admittedly, I only worked to satisfy my physiological needs, in short, it was all about the money at first. Then the following years, I gained some precious good friends, found myself with them, it was really tough to leave. But still the one on top is the ultimate "enemy." We never really get along so well, ours do not go beyond the casual morning greetings, more often than not, we avoid meeting each other's gazes. I didn't mind real much since I am overly confident that I could still discharge my basic functions anyway even without passing through her. Then came the realization stage which happened about two years ago, I had to bend to her way of doing things because whether I like it or not, she's still the boss and I'm just her lowly subordinate. Still the effort did not pay off, I feel it in my gut that she recognizes my initiative and intelligence, but could not give me the slightest trust which is the ultimate thing that matters to her especially because she's a person full of confidential issues. I still do not understand and nor do I have plans of knowing why she is like that to most people not just with me. We were even on the hot seat once because they suspected that our badminton was meant to establish a movement against her or management. Yet my conscience is clear and I meant good eversince day 1. I just could not tolerate manipulation and exploitation and I stand up for the things I believe in. Now the time has come for me to move on and put my intelligence and wit to better use. I could not allow them to under utilize me for one more year just because of that unfounded fear of incapability to provide for my family. I have had enough of this rotten office culture of prejudice and pretension. I want to live my life the way I should regardless of the pay. For now I'm more trusting that someone up there would provide for me and be with me all the way. I hope and pray that this is the right thing to do. I'm now yielding it to the Almighty for I also believe that prayers will be heard one day and God is always good.